jueves, 30 de abril de 2015

Correr de la Conciencia. The Biggest Lift-weighting Decision

No sé, de verdad no sé, porque mi cabeza a veces corre en inglés. Tengo a veces correr de la conciencia así, en otro idioma no más.

Aquí, ese correr de la conciencia acerca de la decisión de suspender este año académico.

It started like this...

I wonder if this is the right thing to do. Is it? Am I just escaping? Maybe I am, and that only makes me feel like the biggest coward.  I think I am a little coward, a lot really. But at the same time I think that this IS the best way to go. I think, maybe, I need a break. To clear things up. To look at the big picture and find my "self", lost somewhere, somewhere hard to find. As if that self was a Waldo in a big "Where's Waldo" picture. Waiting to be found within its given search time.

Maybe I need that "search time". I know I am the one who lost my self, so I should be the one to find it. I need to focus in me, without taking focus off others. Without throwing that focus away. Letting my selfish self be able to be shared, taking away that selfishness and turning it into a self growing share-giving process.

Still I think. Am I escaping? Am I being a pussy*? Am I just scared, or too lazy and this is the easy way out?

Why can't I feel bad about it? Why can't I be worried cause I'll be taking even more time to get my degree? Why can't I truly feel defeated for having lost my north? I am having all those thoughts. I always do. But still, right now, they are not tormenting me like they use to do. Should I feel bad about this? It's confusing. What are the right thoughts I should be having? 
Maybe I feel this "good" cause I'm in the bright side of the moon, and maybe tomorrow those tormenting thoughts are going to come back stronger. It's scary to see it that way. The human mind (mine specifically) can be a scary thing. I wish I truly believed I (speaking for myself) CAN have more power over it, but I feel like I can't.

But then I prefer to believe that I feel good cause this IS the right thing to do. And that that's why having made this choice has lifted a huge weight over me. I feel lighter, and happier. 

The only thing I can hope for now, is to be able to take that so needed search time that I think I deeply need. To put my self in order. To find ME, un-lose me and finally understand what is it that my life should be about. Even just a tiny piece of that...

*Sorry for the ugly word

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